Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity

I can only imagine that this will become a seminal work on "difference," as it redraws what that means. Solomon does so by showing us what it means to people to be different, by introducing the concept of vertical and horizontal identification (for instance vertical may be a deaf child of hearing parents, whereas horizontal, would be Deaf Culture identification), and what seemingly disparate differences have in common. Gay, deaf, dwarf, really? Yes, he succeeds in showing their commonality. In so doing, he suggests to me to imagine how many things which I may feel I share nothing in common with I might be related to. It made me, for instance contemplate my relationship with the psoriasis I've had for the last 20 years. I have to ask myself, have I ever really accepted it and if not, can I and what would that look like? Solomon's profound intelligence and great facility with his chosen subject is beautifully tempered by his warmth and gentleness and evident compassion. He expertly mixes together facts and figures, scientific understanding and statistics with compelling real life stories. He does not just interview, he immerses himself such that his commentary is sublimely deep and broad. I've never been more impressed with any book. What might, otherwise have turned out utterly unreadable to the layperson is eminently accessible. This is, no doubt, a genuine tour de force. It's a huge tome, and yet, so intimately rendered that I'm neither intimidated nor wearied. I look forward to reading the rest. Added on 3/28/13 I finished the rest of Far From The Tree in record time and continued to be dazzled. I am accustomed to the transformational properties of some spiritual texts and certain self-help literature, but not of a scholarly tome. And yet, I am transformed. A few days ago, while visiting a yard sale, I became acquainted with the daughter of the house who in the role of cashier added up my purchases and made change for me. She also had down syndrome. Instead of having to hide my discomfort and even slight tinge of fear--I felt no such thing--I had the pleasure of thoroughly enjoying my interaction with the young lady. I had an easy and genuine understanding of what I once would have considered a disability as a natural way of being. Notice that I wrote "natural," not "normal:" Another result of reading this book has been that it has liberated me from any need for that category. She was a little more stimulated than was comfortable for her, that's all. Because Far From The Tree profoundly normalized difference as, well, different, not weird, not scary, not disgusting, not shameful, I had a chance to be with another human being, naturally, joyfully and comfortably, whom, in the past, I would have embarrassedly avoided and tried to hide that fact. I smiled on the way back to the car, treasures in hand. But the real treasure was meeting, really meeting the young lady. Thank you, Andrew Solomon, for making that possible and for opening me to a whole segment of our society that I can now welcome into my heart. I gave Far From The Tree 5 stars and would give it more if that were possible. But, in fairness, I must also say that I felt odd while reading the chapter on rape. Something about it felt incomplete or off, or perhaps not quite authentic in that it did not deliver the revelations I had come to expect. If I were to venture a guess, and I suppose I am, Mr. Solomon didn't quite say what was on his mind. Did he decide this was a Pandora's box he would not open? It's pure conjecture on my part. I had hoped to gain much deeper insight into this subject but even though I didn't, I still feel that Far From The Tree is one of the most brilliant books I've read, if not thee most brilliant. After 12 years of what must have been hard work I hope Mr. Solomon is taking a rest on his well-deserved laurels.

Far from the Tree focuses on parents who raise children very different from them. Some have mental illness. Others have been conceived during a rape. And then there are the prodigies, a group which may seem strange to include in a volume which focuses on children society may label as "disabled."But author Andrew Solomon asserts that parents of prodigies face many of the same challenges as those with other children who are vastly different from their parents - or different in ways that standard parenting books don't cover. I am glad that Solomon expands and questions the standard perceptions of those individuals considered far from the norm - whatever normal is ( and the author questions assumptions about that as well). As a gay man who also is dyslexic, Solomon also shares his own struggles and search for identity, some of which are similar to the children and adults in the book. His honest, vivid, and detailed recollections add an extra richness and added perspective to his research and interviews. He notes that "my parents had misapprehended who I was' and he concludes that "other parents must be constantly misapprehending their own children" . They may even see their child's challenges as an "affront." Far From the Tree is one of the best books I've read this year, encompassing a host of questions about how we perceive those who we consider different and even frightening. It is inspiring to read that of the strong love some parents feel for children others may so easily dismiss, a love that may even surprise them. One example: a mother has a daughter who is a dwarf and wonders how to help her daughter forge her unique identity. How much should she try to get her daughter to be like everyone else (only shorter)? Should she strive to ensure that her daughter has dwarf role models and mentors? Readers - as I did - are likely to ponder these questions and wonder what answers they'd choose. Solomon describes how raising children so different from themselves can humble parents, bring them to their knees, cause despair - or enrich their lives in ways they never imagined. Reading of their experiences, I was forced to question my own assumptions and biases about the word "disabled" and how far I'd go to help my child blend in - or simply accept and even celebrate his differences. Far From the Tree tackles issues which are likely to be considered controversial but are so worth exploring. Should deaf children be urged to participate in the hearing world or should parents accept that they can benefit from being primarily members of a community of other deaf people Is deafness truly a disability or are there benefits as well? Of course, I can't help thinking of the Olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius, a man with two prosthetic legs who was ranked among the top racers in the world. He was named one of hundred most influential people in the world by Time magazine. How many did he inspire? Solomon mentions him in the book. Potential readers should know that this book is far from an easy read. The main body of Far from the Tree is 702 pages and the Acknowledgments, Notes, Bibliography, and Index are an additional 200 pages long. Still, it is a book which is worth the time, one likely to change your perspective on how you see those individuals who sometimes are shoved to the margins of our society. As Solomon confesses, "Sometimes, I had thought the heroic parents in this book were fools, enslaving themselves to a life with their alien children...." He is surprised to discover that "my research had built me a plank, and that I was ready to join them on their ship. " I was so glad I got to be along for the ride.

I found the first chapters too sugarcoated. Is it really so easy to raise a severaly mentally retarded child? Noone considered abortion and some of those parents even called it the best "gift" they ever got in life. Very hard to relate. Hearing parents of deaf children liked it so much they even wanted to have more deaf children. The author keeps repeating how the deaf folks have their own unique culture to the point that they are not even disabled. Really?? On another hand, the "autism" chapter is as dark as dark gets - the author features only the worst cases of the disorder and mentions how desperate parents of autistic children sometimes kill their kids to escape the misery. My child is autistic (not an extreme case) so I did not enjoy that darkness. It is hard to parent an autistic child but at least we still have hope that things will get better and daughter will live a normal life one day. What I am trying to say is that perhaps the chapters should be a bit more balanced in terms of tone. You would be forgiven to come to the conclusion that to have a Down syndrom child or a dwarf is a walk in a garden while if you have an autistic or schizophrenic one, you should shoot yourself in the head. Currently I am stuck in the "prodigies" chapter. Most of these prodigies are Asians who started playing piano (or violin) in their toddlerhood. There are dozens of these stories and they all sound the same. Perhaps a few would do and areas other than just classical music should be added. I am also not getting how the difficulties raising disabled children (sometimes profoundly disabled kids who die in their childhood or are in the vegetable state) and raising these little geniuses are compared. As a special needs mother, I find this comparison highly inappropriate.

Andrew did some fantastic research to pull this book together. Myriad of stories helped me appreciate the parent/child relationship differently - including my own. I would like to see the chapter on criminals be further developed. My only critic is the last chapter that I couldn't appreciate at all. The book was full of choices forced upon parents to make however but Andrew's final chapter was about his own choices that were deliberately sought.

What a amazing book. A must-read for everyone who intends to have a deeper understanding of the human condition. 7 stars out of 5.

I saw Andrew Solomon interviewed and immediately ordered this book. He is well spoken and writes just as well!! The examination of a variety of realities that parents have navigated, and continue to navigate, is detailed, compassionate, objective and revealing. The presentation of vertical versus horizontal identity - extremely interesting. "Walk a mile in my shoes" comes to mind, with regard to both the children and their parents. Prejudices are discussed, and the notion that humanity is inherently varied, is a pleasant and liberating one. Read this book and be enlightened. Andrew Solomon is a genius.

聴覚障害、ダウン症、自閉症、母親がレイプによって妊娠した子供、薬物中毒、トランスジェンダー、ゲイ、その他の社会から排除を受けがちな子供とその親との関係を、インタビュー、文献、著者の考察で記した膨大な報告書のような作品。著者自身がゲイであり、読字障害克服の経験を持ち、かつ父親で、息子であるという本人性を持って書かれた本であるということが、ただの専門家の本とは違う。邦訳が出ないのが不思議だ。とても今日的な内容で少子化時代の必読書と思う。

Andrew Solomon's prize-winning book describes relations between parents and children, in situations where the child suffers from dwarfism, deafness, autism or other mental disabilities; comes out as homosexual or transgender; reveals exceptional (genius-level) talents or is born of rape. Solomon describes how parents cope with these circumstances to raise their children or to arrange for the child to be raised by someone who will provide more love and care than they are able to. His accounts of these difficult situations are compassionate, non-judgemental and moving, framed by his personal experience as a parent and child.