Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (The Dr. Sue Johnson Collection, 1)

I have absolutely no connection with the author, only a desire to contribute to others. Curious as to who writes these reviews, I'm 56, male, my wife surprised me by divorcing me after a 20 year marriage, and have two children in college. I have two graduate degrees and read a far amount of self-help books. Sue Johnson's book may truly be the best relationship book I've ever read, as it will forever change my understanding of relationships for the better. This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations. According to Johnson, she gained her novel and deep insights from watching, and watching and re-watching videos of couples struggling in therapy using the best previously known tools. She listened to couples describe their relationship using "life and death" language. The existing tools, such as analysis and insights regarding childhood relationships, how to be reasonable, mirroring listening skills, and negotiation training, didn't seem to work. Building on others' insights, Johnson came up with what she calls EFT: "Emotionally Focused Therapy." The thesis is that all people, including successful intellectuals, seek at the core of their relationship emotional attachment and safety. There are key negative and positive emotional moments that define the relationship. Seems mundane, but yet as I read the book, I found myself getting so many gems and Ah-Ha's that my copy is now underlined with post-its sticking out the side. I got tremendous insight, not only into my pain and struggles and my girlfriend's, but tools on how to repair emotional injuries and connect better. The book is composed of seven conversations that are aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness described as the key to lasting love for couples. This emotional responsiveness has three main components with the acronym "ARE:" Accessibility (Can I reach you?); Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?); & Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?) Johnson claims great success with therapy using the EFT model and I believe it. She describes three typical patterns that couples often get stuck in: (1) Find the Bad Guy; (2) The Protest Polka; and (3) Freeze and Flee. The first and third are pretty self-descriptive. Johnson describes The Protest Polka as the most widespread and ensnaring, involves one person reaching out, albeit in a negative way, the other person withdrawing and the pattern repeating. I immediately saw that I often play the role of the protester, trying to get a reassuring connection, followed by feeling worse when my partner withdraws. I'm now more than two-thirds through this book and am now finishing the chapter on the fifth conversation--Forgiving Injuries. Even if the remainder of this book is dribble, what I've read so far leaves me confident recommending it. On a side note, I've been trained in Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communications," also known as NVC, or "Compassionate Communications." Raised by two science oriented parents, I became a husband, father and attorney that was clueless regarding emotions. I believed that negative emotions were enemies and obstacles to higher living. When I stumbled across NVC around the age of 40, I suddenly learned, for the first time in my life, the very helpful role of negative emotions, and now consider them to be good friends, albeit still challenging. Negative emotions provide indicators of the needs that are wanting. NVC helped me tremendously and heartily recommend that as well. I have the 2008 version of "Hold Me Tight; Seven Conversations . . . " by Sue Johnson

Dr. Sue Johnson is the master. The most important and significant psychologist since perhaps Carl Jung, and perhaps the greatest relationship psychologist of all time. The success rate in her clinic, where she works with the worst of the worst when it comes to couples (an ex-Marine with PTSD who was beaten by his dad and a woman who was sexually molested her whole childhood by an uncle), only shows what she can do for average couples who have problems that aren't as severe. However, the problem is that you cannot read this book in 3 days like some John Gray (he is not a doctor) pop psychology book. This is book involving a deep amount of research and clinical studies, but it is still written for the layperson. In essence, there are no easy answers. The other issue is Dr. Sue's work flies in the face of 30+ years of psychology therapy which taught couples that they must be 100% happy, have all their ducks lined up in a row, and basically be perfect until they can have a great relationship. Bull. According to Dr. Sue, a deep romantic relationship with a partner is base in part of healing childhood wounds and other traumas. A romantic relationship most closely resembles the bond that exists between a mother and baby. It is not the SAME relationship (of course!). But in terms of the emotional intensity and closeness it is. She has been on a crusade to eradicate co-dependency from psychological language. People NEED each other. They are interdependent, social creatures. Her books provide countless examples of people and other animals who thrive and are better thru having these "hold me tight" relationships. The comfort they bring leads to people thriving in life. It leads to more risk taking. It leads to better health. She has done countless MRI brain studies to show that when you are "fighting" with your partner, your brain looks EXACTLY like a lion is chasing you. The new part of brain has not evolved fast enough to deal with such fighting without the conversational techniques that she writes about and teaches. The bond between you and your partner is that INTENSE and that critical. The way you communicate with each other has to be so delicate. When a person is experiencing fear, pain, and all sorts of negative things, and an MRI is taken of their brain, Dr. Sue has shown that when the hurting person feels the touch of their partner's hand, it completely changes their brain and how it looks. It provides that level of comfort. And you want to tell me that people need to be 100% happy in order to have a healthy relationship? Yes individual therapy is useful in that it can allow you to understand where your thoughts, feelings and emotions are coming from, and how your partner can help you heal with it detracting from their own growth. But as U2 once said in a song, "Sometimes You Just Can't Make It On Your Own." Anyone in an online dating profile who says they are 100% happy and is just looking for a partner to add to their happiness......well.....Dr. Sue would say stay single. Because relationships ARE HARD. They are not easy, and they are supposed to be that way. But the rewards far outgain the negatives. But she also says there are just too many people are coming in her clinic, and too many people coming into other psychologist's offices, to suggest that any relationship can just add to the 100% happiness that you already have. People are going into therapy because they crave that innate bond that is no important to survival and health of our species. This is too hard to explain. I suggest reading both of her books Hold Me Tight and Love Sense. And yes, she claims love can be explained by science.

This book truly helped me realize my faults in my relationship and learn how to better communicate and practice emotional intelligence. Such a great read!!

"Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson is a compelling guide to strengthening and deepening romantic relationships. Grounded in attachment theory and informed by years of clinical experience, Dr. Johnson offers a roadmap for couples to navigate the complexities of love, attachment, and emotional connection. Here's a review of this insightful book: **Pros:** 1. **Attachment-Based Approach:** Dr. Sue Johnson's book is firmly rooted in attachment theory, which provides a rich and well-researched framework for understanding how adult relationships work. She explains how our early attachment patterns influence our romantic bonds, making the material both relatable and enlightening. 2. **Practical Exercises:** Throughout the book, Dr. Johnson presents practical exercises and conversational prompts that couples can use to enhance their emotional connection. These exercises are designed to promote open and honest communication, helping couples break free from negative cycles of interaction. 3. **Compassionate and Accessible:** Dr. Johnson's writing is compassionate and empathetic. She understands the complexities and vulnerabilities of human relationships and offers a reassuring and accessible tone that can put even the most distressed couples at ease. 4. **Case Studies:** The book includes real-life case studies that illustrate how the principles and conversations outlined in the book have helped other couples overcome relationship challenges. These stories provide valuable examples and inspiration for readers. **Cons:** 1. **Requires Active Participation:** To fully benefit from the book, couples must actively engage in the exercises and conversations it prescribes. Some couples may find this commitment challenging, especially if they are experiencing significant relationship difficulties. 2. **Complex Concepts:** While Dr. Johnson does her best to simplify complex psychological concepts, some readers may still find certain sections of the book a bit dense, particularly if they are new to attachment theory. In conclusion, "Hold Me Tight" is a valuable resource for couples seeking to improve their emotional connection and strengthen their bond. Dr. Sue Johnson's attachment-based approach offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships, and the practical exercises make it a hands-on guide for couples looking to enhance their intimacy. Whether you're in a new relationship or have been together for years, this book provides valuable insights and tools for building a lifetime of love and connection.

I haven’t finished this book, but it was recommended to me and i have found it so helpful for my marriage! It goes over tricks and helps for both sides, but mostly focusing on changing your personal views and how to help from what you can do not trying to change the other person. Its amazing!!

As a 64 year old man, married for 45 years I highly recommend this book, I learned a lot and looking forward to putting into action.

I bought this book because it had so many great reviews such as “saved my marriage” As we read through it there were definitely some great communication tools we learned, and a lot of things that hit home. But you must both be committed to taking the book seriously each time you dive in. Despite the things we’ve read, we still get stuck in our “dance.” And both get choked up and have trouble expressing our feelings. In some ways it even made things worse. Maybe will try reading a round #2. That or just bite the bullet to see a marriage counselor already. Because it really is a good book with great tools. But if you’re still stuck in stagnation, real therapy may be needed. We can’t always be our own superheroes 😔 Since it didn’t help as much as I’d hoped, I recently dove into “The Delicate Science of Making Love,” and give it a try and already am feeling it more simply due to the fact the author states “Communication is not the Holy Grail.” Communication, communication, communication they always say. But perhaps I’ve put too much weight on “communication.” As sometimes communicating what we’re really thinking/feeling can end up causing even more damage. Especially when kicking a dead horse.

I highly recommend this book for anyone seeking to improve their relationship, especially for those who feel caught in cycles of fighting that seem irreparable. Johnson has research-approved strategies for understanding yourself and your partner and re-establishing a loving and secure connection. She does a great job of including the underlying psychology of relationships, easy-to-understand explanations of emotions and relationship dynamics, examples of other couples to help show her point, and practical tips for improving your own relationship. The book includes a lot of questions and activities for couples to work through together, which have been instrumental in helping my partner and I reconnect and mend rifts. I have a background in psychology and spend a lot of time trying to understand myself and my relationships, so many relationship books have felt too elementary and basic for me. Johnson notes that most relationship advice focuses on communication - how to construct your words perfectly to avoid ruffling feathers - which does little to resolve underlying issues. Research on traditional couples therapy also shows pretty abysmal results. In contrast, Johnson's method, which was revolutionary at the time, focuses instead on your feelings of connection, safety, and trust. It doesn't matter exactly how you frame things if you feel safe and loved by your partner. Her method is backed by research - there are some pretty astounding numbers showing that her method works to improve relationships! My personal experience backs these statistics - my partner and I are fighting less, we have a stronger foundation, we understand each other so much better, and our love feels deeper and stronger. When we do feel a bit stuck, we turn to the book and Johnson offers us a way out. Instead of ending arguments feeling bitter, disconnected, and resentful, we wind up feeling more connected and loving. Thank you Sue Johnson!